Most programs have rules like:
“Be respectful.”
“Follow directions.”
“Don’t disrupt the group.”
Sounds reasonable, until you look at how those rules are actually enforced.
Because rules don’t just manage behavior.
They teach people how power works.
They shape how we learn to relate to ourselves, to others, and to the systems we depend on.
And if you’re running a program or a team, you should be asking yourself:
What are our rules really teaching?
Because too often, it’s not what you think.
Every Rule Is a Signal
If your rules assume people are manipulative, fragile, or incapable, that’s what they’ll learn to become, or fight against.
Let me show you:
“No phone use unless permitted by staff.”
→ We don’t trust you to self-regulate or communicate unless we say so.“Curfew violation = automatic write-up or grounding.”
→ Your development isn’t the priority; compliance is.“No trauma-dumping.”
→ Your story is too messy for this space. Keep it in.
Even this one:
“Be respectful to all staff and peers.”
→ Don’t challenge power, even when it’s wrong.
If you’ve ever worked with young people in crisis, you know these messages land deeper than any written rule. And they stick.
I’ve Spent 20+ Years Leading a Program That Had to Get This Right
For more than two decades, I’ve run a housing program for young women who would otherwise be homeless. These are young people who’ve had to survive systems they didn’t design, enforced by people who often didn’t see them, and who are now trying to build lives with very little room for error.
I started this work when I was 21, sometimes the same age as the people I was helping. That closeness forced me to confront what equity and accountability actually mean. Not in theory. In real time. In conflict. In emotional overload. In who has power, and what we do with it.
When someone has no real authority and depends on you for safety, food, and housing, every rule you make teaches them something.
If you’re not aligned in how you design and enforce those rules, you’re probably teaching fear, learned helplessness, or quiet resentment.
That’s not support. That’s soft control dressed up as structure.
Today’s Youth Are Wired Differently, And They’re Not Wrong
Young people today are more emotionally aware than we were ever taught to be.
They feel things. They name things. They draw boundaries.
Sometimes that means cutting off parents or authority figures when the relationship feels harmful. And a lot of adults can’t understand it, because they were conditioned to suppress, not protect.
Where one generation survived by staying silent, this one is surviving by drawing lines.
And when that shows up in your program, you have a choice:
Be punitive. Or be curious.
Good Rules Are Preventative Care
They’re not about control.
They’re about caring attention before the crisis hits.
And if you're doing it right, your rules:
Hold staff and youth accountable
Reflect natural consequences, not arbitrary punishment
Teach behavior through modeling, not just policy
Support growth, not just compliance
Done right, your rules say: “I see who you can become, and I’m willing to help you get there.”
But Let’s Be Clear, This Doesn’t Apply to Every Population
If you’re working with people in active crisis, those with unmanaged behavioral health issues, severe dysregulation, or dangerous patterns, then yes, containment rules are necessary. Those spaces need clear safety structures. That’s not what this piece is challenging.
But if you're claiming to run a program that builds life skills, self-trust, or independence, if your participants are developmentally ready for growth, then your rules need to grow with them.
This isn’t about softening expectations.
It’s about making sure you’re not teaching fear when you say you’re teaching empowerment.
Most Rules Are About Staff Comfort, Not Youth Growth
Let’s be honest, most rules are written to protect:
Staff who don’t know how to regulate themselves
Programs trying to look orderly for funders
Authority figures who haven’t done their own growth work
That’s why so many programs say,
“We empower youth.”
But the actual experience is,
“Do what we say, how we say it, or you’re out.”
That’s not empowerment. That’s branding.
What Good Rules Actually Do
Good rules:
Reinforce your values, not just your liability policies
Prepare people for real-world choices, not just program survival
Invite mutual accountability, not just one-way enforcement
Are enforced with dignity, clarity, and consistency
At NYEP, we stopped asking “Is this a good rule?”
We started asking:
1. “What is this rule actually trying to ensure?”
2. “Is it aligned with the culture we want to build?”
3. “Can we model it, not just mandate it?”
We didn’t soften our standards.
We stopped hiding behind policies that didn’t serve anyone.
Ask Yourself This:
Who benefits most from this rule?
What emotion drives how it’s enforced?
Is it modeling leadership or control?
Does it promote growth, or just punish mistakes?
If your rules are all about protecting the system instead of preparing the person, you’re not doing development work; you’re doing containment.
And that’s not what this moment calls for.
In the End
Rules aren’t the problem.
But rules without alignment, without modeling, without mutual accountability, without real purpose, are.
And when young people are learning who they are and what they’re worth, your rules either build their self-trust…
Or become just another way the world tells them they’re too much, too broken, or too late.
If you say you’re here to help, start with the rules.
Ready to Rewrite the Rules?
If you lead a program, school, team, or service, and you’re ready to make your rules match your mission, I can help.
I work with leaders to:
Uncover the hidden lessons your rules are teaching
Realign policies with growth, trust, and mutual accountability
Build cultures that support staff and the people you serve
This isn’t about softening standards.
It’s about making sure your rules don’t teach the opposite of what you stand for.
📩 Message me to start your Rules Audit.
Let’s make sure your program doesn’t just look good on paper -
Let’s make sure it works.